she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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