i just google imaged poop.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
