; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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