I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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