is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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