I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
