two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I have feelings that need drinking.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
