Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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