I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
