I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
