I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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