Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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