woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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