I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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