i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
