if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
