it wasn't lemon gatorade
I can text with my tongue
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
