I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize