I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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