It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
