Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
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