i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
