either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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