my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize