take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
