I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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