I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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