Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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