My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
