I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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