like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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