we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
