when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize