plz talk dirty to me
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
We talked him into tasing himself.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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