so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
