just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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