Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize