Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Randomize
