you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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