I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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