I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
