my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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