I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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