I accidentally had phone sex last night
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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