a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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