My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
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