im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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