I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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