when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
