Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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