Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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