There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
