Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
well, you know. whores of a feather.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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