I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
