mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
