I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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