why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
