Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
