No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
