My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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