I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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