I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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