I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
